Welcome to our FAQ page

• I am thinking of adopting a child. However, she has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. The things I read about this disorder cause me concern. Can a child with this disorder get better?

There are treatments that have been successful in bringing about a lasting change in a child who has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Relationship based treatments that focus on helping the child learn that adults can, want to, and will take care of them are critical. Additionally, trauma and neuroscience research can be essential in informing treatment of this disorder.

• We are using a rewards chart for chores and homework, and it is absolutely not working. Any suggestions?

Chore charts and behavior modification interventions assume the child has a relationship with the parent, or adult, that would make the child want to please the adult in an attempt to maintain the connection. Often when children have attachment issues they have very little connection to adults.  Before trying to change the child’s behavior with rewards, a relationship and connection must be developed with the child.

• My child is a picky eater. What do I do?

 You do not want to engage in power struggles, as this is one way your child can maintain control over you.  Often times children engage in power struggles because they feel powerless.  The child needs to get the message that you, the parent are in control and making safe decisions.  If the child does not want to eat there is not much you can do to force them to eat.  However, natural consequences are a good way to deal with your child’s choices.  Giving choices is also helpful because the child can feel empowered by being able to make a choice.

    My child is 8 years old and still has to be reminded of family rules like, clear your place after dinner, brush your teeth and wash your face in the morning, etc.
First, it is important that expectations for you child are developmentally appropriate.  Although your child is 8 he or she may not be emotionally or developmentally 8.  If your expectations are too high your child will not be set up for success.  Expectations need to be clear and consistent and when you child does not follow them, the natural consequences need to be clear and consistent as well.   

• My child takes hours to complete homework and won’t allow me to help. I’m exhausted by the end of it. What do I do?

Remember this is your child’s homework, not yours.  If you take full responsibility for your child’s homework, he/she won’t and as you said you will be exhausted in the end.   It is important to be involved, but to also let your child take some responsibility for the choices he/she makes.

• My son lies about everything, even when he is caught in the act. What do I do?

 It is important to help your son realize he is responsible for the choices he makes. Until he sees the behavior as his, he will not be motivated to change it. You know when he is lying, and most likely have experienced that arguing about it doesn’t change anything.  Relationships are built on trust, so the child can be given the message that greater trust will allow him/her to have greater freedom in life.

• What can I do to keep from yelling at my son?

Yelling often happens when we experience stress and our brains are not regulated.  There are many self regulating techniques that can help one increase their emotional tolerance. With regular deep breathing, daily meditation, regular exercise or other self regulating techniques we strengthen our emotional brains. When our emotional brain is strengthened, as parents, we find we have more patience and can remember all the tools we have read about or learned that are helpful with raising children. It is most important that we remain calm when disciplining our children, so they will the see issue as theirs instead of the parent’s.  If a child sees the issue as the parent’s, because the parent is out of control, the child will not change the behavior.

•     My daughter isn’t stupid, why can’t she just get it and do better?

Often children with attachment disorder have had years to “hardwire” their behaviors in the brain.  Research has shown that the brain can change, however when it has had years of learning one type of behavior it will take time to learn another.  The brain also changes in relationship.  As the parents are able to make their own changes in how they deal with the child, the child will also learn and change as well.  Trauma can also be a part of why your child has difficulty changing.  Often times trauma is stored in the brain’s implicit memory.  This can create a situation where present experiences trigger feelings or memories of past trauma.  To the child it feels as if the experience is happening in the present even though it actually occurred in the past.  Distinguishing this can be very difficult.

•     I feel like all I want is to connect and love my son, but he doesn’t even seem to care.  Why?
When a child with attachment disorder pushes the adults, especially the most caring adults, away they often take is personally.  However this behavior is a defense and most likely something that has helped them survive in the past.  These children can often have a memory or feeling triggered by a person who even slightly resembles the actual person or event.  Also, the child probably could not care about adults in the past because it meant being hurt.  So, the child learning that adults and their love can be trusted can take time and a lot of work.

return to top